I was so tempted to run away! I have never experienced anything like it (vibrating as a tanguera, yogini and a social worker, that is not how we love each other, you can imagine), such a shocking, strong and direct “in my face” approach – I interpreted it as a lack of basic empathy and I was not used to that. There was no tolerance for bullshit, no space for stories of any kind, no place for anything shallow. I was thunderstruck! I hated it, I loved it.
Since the day I met my Budokon teacher Cameron Shayne, e v e r y t h i n g started to change! He electrified my inner wiring with such high intensity that the first encounter is keeping me inspired to this day. I am driven to work on my shit and to carry the torch forward within my own expression, honestly and lovingly to my Slovenian Budokon family and beyond. The intense circumstances he created helped me awaken the sleeping fire, my source of undeniable power that led me to the never before experienced clearness I get to now marinate in every day, leaving me questioning what else can I awaken to.
I am not a slow learner but what I got from him was faster than the speed of light, his work interrupted so many of my patterns and the gloves were off, so I had to grow stronger then and there and I did! I was never before in a study environment where a teacher expected so much psycho-physical strength, flexibility and stamina from the practitioners as during Budokon and the result was, I have never before gained so much insight and lost so much bullshit! Layer by layer I am still pealing it off and I am grateful beyond words.
Throughout my very strong, almost three year on and off resistance I got the vertical knowing (the understanding was here all along, but it is not what brings the »enlightenment« ) it was never about him or about me judging his style of teaching, him being right or wrong to speak to someone in a certain way. The teacher, and oh what a teacher he is, represented a perfect circumstance that pushed all of my buttons at the same time. This inner response is what carried messages for me. Whenever I start to resist, defend, explain, discuss, rationalize when challenged, and not looking into my own direction, I am preventing myself from being honest, from growing, from seeing.
It was nothing convenient, it was everything uncomfortable inside of a coexistence of 10-hours per day for 5 days in a row, during intense advanced physical workshops. Everything was pointed out – the way we behaved, listened, responded, the way we were speaking, nothing got ignored as we are used to nowadays while staying in the shallow because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable by being honest. There was no taming of our own light to fit in, or to stay liked and this was modeled by Cameron from the beginning. There was no space for taking away our own power by playing the role of a victim and there was a very clear expectation of holding our own space and taking responsibility by doing the necessary.
Now that’s a place to go if you wanna grow into a responsibility taking adult (which has nothing to do with chronological age!), a more honest, liberated, unapologetic version of yourself, without losing time. That kind of a context is what I used to run away from. »What?! there is someone who will point out my hidden flaws, egoistic righteousness, neediness, my patterns??, no thank you!«. Well we all know how it goes »you can run but you can’t hide«, circumstances that mirrored my shadows just kept running towards me, of course, showing the ignored, the unhealed, the hidden and I was taking away my power for so long by not seeing I am responsible.
This May 2019 is my third time intensive with the Shaynes and I am starting to run towards it, immersing to the experience directly. I am already »all in«, knowing I can handle it by staying awake and knowing I get to “fast grow” again.
And the lovely thing is, I have never been softer, never more loving, never more open to myself or others, because now I have the strength to support my fully open heart, my loveful eyes, my embracing arms. I am not saying Budokon or the Shayne’s got this done, no one can do it for me, I am the one who is showing up and doing the work and I am sure as hell glad I was presented with the concepts, got pushed, got to struggle and got to grow, I am glad I get to experience being a part of a global Budokon family, soon reunited, embodying all the elements this intelligent movement system holds, everything from martial arts, yogic asanas, animal locomotion, to calistenics, grounded on the philosophy designed to motivate a practitioner to observe and question everything – every belief, every thought, every emotion, every reaction in order to transform the stagnant into fluid, to change the changeable, to accept the unchangeable and to gain clearness along this way of self-transformation.
Perhaps it is time for you also, to ask yourself what are you running away from, where are you hiding, smalling, smothering thy self by loving only the soft edges?
Autor: Sanja Zalar Gostimirović